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No Buts Just “Yes, and…..”
By Bonnie Henriksen, Life Coach,
Trainer & Group Facilitator
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It’s
common in our language to respond to an issue or
suggestion with “Yes, but….” We think the
negative or question the logic before we accept the
positive of an idea.
This month, I share a tool called “Yes,
and…..” The
idea of “Yes,
and…” is to encourage individuals to see
positives. Here
are examples of how it works:
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You
have conversation with a family member about how
you’ll spend your fall vacation.
Your partner says, “Let’s go up the North
Shore.” You
think the weather along Lake Superior in the fall is
chilly and downright nasty.
You would rather do something cosmopolitan,
take in museums and fine dining, or include something
physically challenging. You want to tell your partner,
“No, but I don’t want to go up the North Shore. I
don’t like that idea.” and begin whining your
excuses.
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With
the “Yes and…” technique, you cannot use the
words “no” or “but.”
Each sentence must start with “Yes, and...”
and continue with an option you’d be willing to
compromise at or offer as an add-on.
Your reply might be:
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“Yes,
and we could go into Canada and return through
Winnipeg. We
could take in a few museums and great restaurants in a
big city!” Another
option might be: “Yes, and we could ride the
gondolas and hike the Superior Trail.
Hopefully, your partner will catch the “Yes,
and…”concept and join in offering a reply like
“Ya, and I read about a show in Grand Marais the
second weekend of October. Let’s go then, and take
in the show.” You
answer, “Yes and I’d like to hunt for agates along
Lake Superior if there’s a nice afternoon.”
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You
get the drift.
Suddenly, both of you are engaged in a positive
conversation each offering suggestions to a plan that
serves you both.
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“Yes
and…” works in parenting teenagers.
It sends a different message to your teen when
you say “Yes” and offer what is possible than when
you challenge his need for independence with a flat
out “No!” “No”
precipitates defiance and starts a test of wills.
You empower the teen with what you trust him
with and respect him for.
He feels part of the decision making process.
You can intentionally design this way of
conversing with your teenagers before springing it on
them. Explain
the rules: |
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“No
buts. Start
a sentence with ‘yes’ and offer a possibility.
We’ll each offer a positive option for the subject
in question.” For
example:
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“Mom,
can I go out with the guys after the game?”
“Yes, be safe and be home by 11:00.”
“But, Mom…”
“Son, the rule is no ‘buts’.”
“Okay, so yes, and can Jake come over
after and watch a
movie?”
“Yes, and remember you work in the morning so
finish up at a reasonable
time." |
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“Yes,
and…” works for resolving issues in the workplace
too, dissipating conflict, goal setting, designing
projects, planning work schedules, etc.
Teams of two or more can use it.
In some cases, it works to clarify the
technique and explain the rules beforehand.
In other cases, you may be able to incorporate
it in your half of the conversation and see an impact.
I have a coaching friend who had a long-time
issue with a family member.
When the final straw broke the camel’s back,
she used the technique first to talk herself through
what she was willing to accept from the family member
and what she wasn’t. Then she used it as her half of
the conversation with the family member.
Before long, they were both compromising on the
issue and worked through it!
Frustration that had built for years dissolved
as they each offered what was possible for them.
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It’s
fun for me as a life coach to see simple techniques
like “Yes, and…” make huge differences in the
lives of my clients.
What difference can “yes” make in your life
this month? Test
“Yes, and…” Let me know how it works for you.
I’d love to hear your stories!
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It’s
nice chatting with you.
If you’d like to learn more about life
coaching & discovering a more compelling life,
call me at 218-327-2691 or visit my website at www.lifesongcoaching.com.
We’ll make a plan! |
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Life
Notes is
a monthly submission to the Floodwood, MN, Northern
Independent,
and a newsletter to Life Song Coaching clients &
potential clients.
Contact Bonnie Henriksen, CPCC, at the above
web address to request future copies of Life
Notes. |
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.pdf
version of this article |
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Notes on the reading page! |
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Notes
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